Ladies, being single sucks.

Being married can also suck.

But the biggest suck-fest of all?

Feeling stuck.

I read an article today in which a male blogger’s mother asked him if it bothered him that his wife didn’t keep a cleaner house. Now, it was well written and I totally saw it for what the writer intended but can I just share what my first thought was?

“Oh crap… my house is terrible…”

My heart sank.

You see, as a single woman, there are always ALWAYS thoughts of inadequacy that can be joined with “Is this why nobody wants to date me?” and the downward spiral begins. You start to think about those extra pounds you need to shed and the student loan debt you have. Suddenly, you are the least desirable woman alive. Now, these terrible thoughts may not always be there, and they certainly don’t have to consume you. But occasionally, they drown you.

The article mentioned a memory the writer had of his father advising him to suddenly stop the house of the woman he is interested in. That way he could see what she lived like when she wasn’t expecting company, and he should want a woman who keeps a clean and tidy home.

If that was the standard that all men go by, I might truly be single forever.

My house isn’t trashed, but I have a few dishes in the sink. I have laundry in the dryer and a small pile waiting on my dresser to be put away. My mail is open and sitting on my desk waiting to be dealt with and let’s face it, I still have some boxes that need to be unpacked from my move…two months ago.

My grass is too high as I keep telling myself its too dang hot to mow, I’ll wake up early and do it tomorrow… but I never wake up early, who am I kidding?? My flower beds have no flowers and the outside of my house could desperately use a power-wash. So if a gentleman suitor dropped in on me unexpectedly? I would cry. And maybe refuse to let him in.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have anyone taking me out on dates at the present…

The point is, instead of focusing on the take-away from the article (the partnership of marriage) all I could focus on is what I lack. And my married friends would have a fit if they knew that. They would be telling me that there are so many things that I would bring into a marriage that are positive. They would point out all the ways they feel like they are failing in a marriage and why they don’t feel adequate either. I know this, because we’ve had those conversations. OFTEN.

We women struggle with wanting perfection. Now I know, we are in an enlightened age in which we all know that we are beautiful the way we are… but seriously. It’s a huge battle for us women to want to be MORE. MORE beautiful, MORE athletic, MORE amusing, MORE organized and the list goes on and on.

It’s overwhelming!

And we get stuck.

We get stuck on what we don’t have or what we aren’t. It’s freaking hard to motivate yourself to being better when you think you are failing, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to give up and say “take me as I am”. But then that little voice comes back later telling you that if only you had tried harder, maybe he wouldn’t have left. Maybe you could have made things better if only YOU were better.

I would love to end this by telling you that you should just love yourself the way you are but even I rolled my eyes at that.

Instead, I want you to try to think of what you bring to the table RIGHT NOW. Keep working on the things that are important to YOU but also remember what is already great about yourself. It’s ok to want to better yourself. But don’t let anyone else define that for you. What is it that YOU want to be better at and WHY do you want it?

If you can answer that without beating yourself up, you are on the right track. For me, I am a fabulous cook and I enjoy it. But I really would like to be better about cleaning up after myself as I make those kick-butt meals. Then maybe I wouldn’t freak out about having dirty dishes… but hey, one step at a time.

Love always,

Manic